Greetings From The Circus

My doctor had just written my prescription. He made the comment, "Your children saved you didn't they?". I smiled and nodded. He knew my type, the woman who is prone to depression but hides it from the world, who would rather stay in her closet all day or at least in bed but because there are children, that's never an option. I had lived with this darkness most of my life.
I remember as a teenager prying pills out of my mother's hand one winter afternoon...she wanted to give up but I wouldn't have any part of that cowardice. I may not have been there all the time but she was not going to do that on my watch. We spilled her pills all over the kitchen floor and she cried as I picked them up and put her back to bed. I was always told she was "sick". I didn't understand depression back then, nobody I knew did. The doctors would just prescribe high powered sleeping pills or Valium, something referred to as Milltown tablets or others that quieted the demons. They'd suggest hysterectomies and told the husbands to wait it out.
But for the children, this darkness was a frightening journey. I didn't know anyone else whose mother suffered like mine did. And after a few years she did emerge better... not quite what I'd call healed but better. We've never talked about it really. We've broached the subject but I don't believe she remembers it, at least not like I do. She remembers loving me and giving me everything I ever wanted. That's fine, I really don't want her to remember the other side.
I have a dear friend who loves the movie "Divine Secrets of The YaYa Sisterhood". She knows it haunts me though, I lived that life. My mother was a mystery to me. She was fun and brilliantly entertaining at times. I loved to please her. But then there were the dark times when nothing pleased her, she would cry and stay in bed or pick fights with my dad until Hell errupted.
My mother is a frail tiny shell of the woman she was back then. It is not my intention to hurt her in any way. I do however have to come to terms with this disease she passed on to me.
I have clinical depression.
It is not a spiritual issue.
It is a physical brain issue.
Don't preach to me about praying more or getting delivered. I love my Jesus more than life and he has this road for me to walk...my prayer is that I walk it with him, not free of illness. HE is the very one who has saved me...
~by giving me the promise of eternal life (no I am not the least bit suicidal!)
~ by giving me a husband who loves me in spite of my sickness
~ by giving me children who won't leave me alone!
This is what my doctor meant when he said those words so many years ago. "Your children saved you". I can't NOT live. I have too much to do.

God bless you today if you suffer from any mental illness. You are not alone.