Questions……so many questions. Like, what makes a person a parent? Is it “being there” at conception? Well, according to the laws of our country today the moment of conception is not considered the beginning of a child’s life, it’s considered cell math or after a little time a fetus but the jury seems to still be out as far as when life occurs (clearly not in my mind but in the mind of some who would dare look at the ultrasounds and still deny humanity). So, say this collision of cells actually makes it to birth, be it a couple of months early due to mama’s alcohol, tobacco, pot or worse consumptions, and it’s a little girl, perfect in every way. Wow, for that to even happen should be considered a miracle. She is tiny, has seizures every now and then and has trouble learning to suck a bottle but she’s alive and the doctors have every confidence she’s going to make it. Mama doesn’t care that the people from DHR are coming to take her, she names her something ridiculous like “Snow White” and laughs, everyone knows why…snow, an old street name for cocaine (she’d name her that but she’s sure it wouldn’t fly with the authorities). The social worker tells her there is a treatment center she can go to free of charge. Mama says she’ll think about it. Right now she’s in pain and just wants someone to bring her some clothes and a joint or a rock and a pipe, any damn thing would be better than this stupid Tylenol they keep trying to shove on her. She’s not thinking of the future, she’s not thinking of her baby, she’s thinking about what she’s been thinking about for the last five years…..getting high, feeling free for a minute, one beautiful minute. She’s not going to get that here so she starts to peel the tape from her IV. She’ll make a run for it as soon as the late shift comes on.
At this very moment there is a woman sitting in her bedroom window praying. She has cried every month since her twenty-eighth birthday from the reminder of her inability to have a child of her own. She’s lost hope but she keeps praying. The phone rings. It startles her out of a fog , the voice on the other end is saying something about an infant that will be released from the neonatal unit in a couple of weeks and a foster home is being sought for her. Everything else becomes static, she just heard baby and foster home, could this be the child she’s prayed for? Of course the caseworker wants to warn that human resources is working with the young mother, it is always the hopes of the agency and court system to help work it out to reunite the children with the birth parents. It is not an adoption agency. The young woman doesn’t care, she’ll take the baby and see what happens….oh foolish woman.
I want to step into this scenario and scream! You will have your heart ripped out of your chest if you aren’t very careful!!!!! Didn’t you hear what the social worker said? They will take this baby away from you! They could give her to a grandparent who out of a sense of duty will take her, or after a couple of years there will be a man show up at the agency and say he wants custody of some kid his ex-girlfriend told him was his, or it may be a distant relative, an aunt or uncle or cousin. Just when you think it’s all over…..it’s never over. You’ll have taken little Snow White home from the hospital, bathed her, fed her, changed her, shown her off at church, spent ten times the money the state provides for her, and fallen deeply in love with her. You couldn’t imagine loving a biological child more than her, she’s the center of the universe as far as you are concerned. BUT, you are simply a surrogate. You have no rights to her at all. You’ll notice your caseworker calls and gives you doctor’s appointment times, signs all legal papers, and requests that you be a good girl and bring the baby to visit her mama, sometimes she can visit…sometimes she can’t because she’s been on a binge and either doesn’t show up or has drugs in her urine. This is the life you will live….indefinitely. You may have been told that this can only go on for twelve months, this is a lie. Birth parents can do one thing right…show up for visits clean twice in a row, or get a trailer, or start working on a GED or keep a job for a month and proceedings will start in their direction….they are making great progress! Then, you’ll notice you don’t hear from them for a while…my hunch is the process has started over, they’ll be given more time to get it together. They learn how to work the system. And then there are always the appeals. What a lovely smack in the face to the judges. Sometimes I’m sure appeals work to return children to the place they belong, but I’d be willing to guess at least 95% of the time they are simply a stall tactic and stall they do. One case I am very familiar with drug out over four years because the mother could (and did) appeal. Each time an appeal is filed there is a two to six month wait. This ties everyone’s hands. The birth parents don’t have to do anything during this time…they can just rest easy, they don’t have to make any attempts to “do better” while waiting on appeals, they know they aren’t getting the decision overturned, they just want to hang up the system and ultimately keep their children living “homeless”. This is especially damaging to the child if they want to be adopted and they are with the family who wants to keep them. You will be tempted to just not talk to your child about it. She knows she belongs to you and that lady down in that little room in the big office building who’s always referring to herself as her mama is not her mama, you are. She doesn’t like to go there, you don’t like to take her but you HAVE to. And you do because foster parents tend to follow the rules, we actually have a lot at stake.
Whether a couple or individual fosters because they want to adopt or not they are looking to protect children from harm, and to teach them how to get along in the world. All children need these things. They have a desperate need to belong, to be somebody’s baby. When a case drags on it damages their ability to trust. How many times can a child ask, “Mom, is this my forever home?’ and have you answer, “Honey, I wish I could tell you yes but I’m not the one who makes that decision .” How do you explain that to a six year old? An eight year old? You are the only trustworthy person in their lives and if you can’t answer the question they have nowhere else to turn.
So back to my original question…What makes a person a parent? Should someone automatically get to take a child home after three or more years just because there is a biological connection? If that is the truth I curse the day we discovered paternity tests! My heart goes out to men who aren’t told they are fathers as soon as the mother knows she’s pregnant but perhaps a dose of fidelity would be good here. And I know some awesome single fathers! But, if a child has been placed in a loving home and has established bonds, have family and friends and parents who adore him why would anyone see DNA as a trump card? We are a country of mixed families, blended families, families by choice. Why can’t we do the best thing for our children and let them live where they are most safe and loved.
If you really have an answer for me, respond….
.I have no intentions of arguing with anyone about rights of fathers. They should have every right mothers have but if you’ve gotten someone pregnant and found out years later the child is yours, make sure he or she is in a good loving home and visit occasionally. Don’t think for a minute they will be better off with you unless you’ve witnessed their current family situation. All children benefit from having extra people to love them…don’t rip them away from the only security they have. Add to it!
Amen!
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