Let's face it, nobody wants to be around someone who's depressed...unless they are getting paid a chunk of change to listen to the dribble. It's no fun to share silence when it's the product of not being "able" to talk. I'd be the first to admit I don't understand depression. I've sure seen my share of it. I have fought so hard most of my life not to give in to it....but sometimes it's just too hard. I want to go into my closet, close the door and just stay there. I don't want to call on any of my friends, I don't want to pray (which I know is what I should do). I just want to disappear for a little while. Is that so much to ask? Well, in my case I guess it is. Funny, how guilty I'd feel if I shrugged off my responsibilities for a day...or heaven forbid two. It would be most insensitive to my husband who, if truth was told is probably in a deeper hole emotionally than I am right now.We have a lot going on. What else is new? LOL....no not really, I am not laughing at all.
I heard today that some foster parents lost their kids, they'd had them three years. Apparently, the sperm donor showed up and said he'd wondered where they were and "presto" he gets them...that's enough to make you cry right there. I wonder if the powers that be would take our girls if they discovered I suffer from a "mental illness". It would surely be a good enough reason...and never mind that they keep me out of the closet or bathroom when I feel this way. I can't not take care of them...I can understand how they feel when they get in their moods, like tonight when the four year old had a meltdown in the bathtub. She just got mad, no real reason. She said she wanted to wash the kitty cat makeup off her face, when I went to help her she got mad and turned away from me. I didn't get upset with her....I felt the same way. I don't know what I want either. She stayed in the bathtub after I finished bathing her, she wouldn't budge....just sat there crying. She didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to be left alone, then she didn't, then she did, that's exactly how depression is. You want to be rescued, but you don't want anyone to touch you, or speak a comforting word. You want to be squeezed tight but your skin hurts if someone gets too close so you turn into a human porcupine. It's a paradox, a contradiction of human nature. I feel like a paradox. I love nothing better than to laugh and to be with people but the dark cool quiet calls me and I want to curl up and dissolve into a sad soup. One thing is pretty evident to me by now, I will be back. I'll sleep it off, or someone will throw up during the night and I'll snap back to reality. I'll start over tomorrow like nothing ever bothered me at all. At least that's my plan.
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