I am witnessing something profoundly sad. The death of a very young marriage.
I am only seeing it from the point of view of the now ex-husband. I don’t know that I’ve ever been at this vantage point before. It is gut wrenching.
I don’t like to say a union is doomed from the start but I’m afraid this one may have been….which isn’t to say it couldn’t have been saved! I believe in communication! I believe anything is possible! I believe this one was dead in the water a while ago but the young husband didn’t want to give up.
Apparently, the young wife did.
I watch him pace, drink coffee, rub his eyes, try to laugh and get through it….it is not pretty.
He is where the road divides in many directions.
He doesn’t know which one to take.
He isn’t celebrating freedom, he is mourning the loss of yet another sure thing
He is not a quitter, it seems life keeps quitting on him.
He is embarrassed and ashamed.
I have no words.
I can’t tell him I know how it feels.
I can’t tell him it is for the best. I don’t know either of those things.
I want him to know he will love again, and be loved in return.
He says he doesn’t think he’ll ever try it again…this marriage thing.
Our conversation is interrupted.
Unfortunately for him, we have to talk to giggly young women planning weddings sometimes.
She turns her head and he mouths “don’t do it!”.
I have to smile but he knows I don’t agree. When she is out of earshot I tell him I can’t be negative about marriage. He reminds me that mine has remained intact for almost thirty years.
He is right about that.
I want to tell him he will find the right girl, I don’t know when or where but she is out there. It breaks my heart to see his face when he thinks no one is looking. There is such pain.
All I can do is pray.
Walking the Tight Rope in Clown Shoes with Angie B...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wisdom, Love and Grace
For years I’ve prayed for wisdom and love. I have not asked for wealth, although I have asked to not drown in debt a few times. I have not even particularly begged for health, besides the few months I thought my back pain may have been from something that was going to kill me. I have prayed countless prayers for others; for my children, my friends, total strangers. I try not to have my own agenda where others are concerned other than whatever it is God is willing in their lives. I know better than trying to figure out what someone really needs and asking God to grant it like a fairy godmother might do. I mainly trust him with the details and just lift the people up in my mind and spirit. Sometimes I just don’t know what else to say.
I am so far from delivered from sin…it is my choice I know, but I sin everyday. If not with my MOUTH then with my mind. But, one prayer I believe God is continually answering for me is giving me love for others. I’m not saying I don’t get offended, or angry but he is helping me see people through more compassionate eyes. I think if he really did let me see people through his eyes my heart would break. There is so much pain. I know he wants to comfort us but we are like little children with splinter covered fingers who rather than let him gently lift them out, we turn away and yell “NO, this is my splinter!!! I will work it out or I will let it stay and get infected! I don’t trust you!” We see that the splinters need to come out but want them removed on our terms.
I believe sometimes we are reluctant to ask God to help us because we have strayed so far away from him. While it’s true he has not left US, we get the feeling he is up there in Heaven brooding over all our mess ups. I believe it’s more like this. Trouble comes to us all. God is there. Why not ask for help. It’s not like he’s making a deal with us. We can’t really say “Just help me out here Lord and I promise I’ll never ____again (you fill in the blank). I know many people have done this but I believe when we slip up and go back to the ___we mentioned it is US who pull away from God again.
I have finally learned the truth about my effort and his rewards.
I can’t do anything to deserve his love.
I can’t do anything to make him love me more.
I can’t do anything to make him love me less.
I am certain most people do not understand this concept.
You can say, “But, I was raised to believe God loves the people who go to church, give to missionaries and read their Bibles!” OK, let’s assume that is true. If God only pours his love out on the church going, missionary supporting, Bible thumpers we should all be striving to be JUST LIKE THEM!!! Because, hot dog they must be the most happy, blessed, healthy and wealthy people on the planet….and so few of them are! Instead, I often see church pew warmers who reluctantly write those tithe checks (and often want everyone to know how much they are for) and can quote all the scripture about the sins they don’t struggle with as the most unhappy, shallow people around. Seriously, show me one rule keeper and I’ll show you someone who probably does not understand what they are trying to get other people to participate in.
Here’s the real deal.
Jesus is the answer.
He is the epitome of God’s grace.
Let me give you an analogy (not original)
There was once a mother with two children. The first child was sweet and easy going and never gave her a minute of trouble. She did anything she could to please her mother out of the purest of hearts. She grew up kind and well liked by everyone. The second child was just the opposite! She was defiant and difficult from birth she bit and screamed and never shut up. There were time the mother wanted to just put her down and walk out of the house and sometimes she had to hand her over and do just that, but, the mother loved the hard to please child just as much as the easy to please one and one day, one very fine day, the second child came to herself. She started smiling. When she did everyone around her smiled too. She became pleasant and easy to please like her sister and the mother rejoiced…as did all the neighbors!
See, those two babies were both the mother’s children. She had to discipline them differently, she had to sometimes treat them differently but she loved them both the same amount.
I picture God looking at us with his infinite wisdom…he knows who is going to try every last thing before they come to him. He knows who is going to be compliant her whole life. He loves us all and really wants us all to love him too. He is surely disappointed with some of our choices but he is not surprised. I believe he holds out hope that sometimes he’ll be wrong about some of us and we will turn to him. I don’t say this out of any kind of disrespect of lack of faith, I know he is not going to be wrong but I have to believe he wants us all. The word does say…”For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” Without getting into theology I can’t explain just let me say that to me “whosoever” means any of us who will.
We have to learn to accept grace. It is a gift. It’s kind of like accepting a compliment you know you don’t deserve. We can’t earn it and it’s hard to understand. It flies in the face of every human thought.
God understands us…he has not left us…he loves us and has big ideas for all our lives.
We are obligated to extend it to others.
Yes, we have an obligation to extend grace…to others.
I have never been so badly hurt by anyone I could not forgive. I sympathize with people who have lost children to tragedy or evil. I don’t know what that feels like and I pray God’s mercy to not let me know first hand. I understand those people feeling let down by God. But, if we could see from God’s vantage point it might be easier.
I have a friend whose young son died after years of health problems. She has grieved endlessly for over a year. She has not become angry at God because she knows she will see her son again someday. He was a wonderful example of God’s glory. He loved people and made no apologies as to who his savior was. My friend knows things could have been different if her son had been a rebellious teenager who argued with her and then went out and died in a car accident. The grief would be unbearable. As it is, she is still hurting but has the promise that her son’s short life was lived with purpose. Some of us get eighteen years, some of us get a hundred. How we use them is important. Accepting and giving out grace is a concept we have to learn. God gives us grace. We extend it to the next person.
This little story is an example-
This morning we left for school without Elle’s book bag. We looked for it for a few minutes but it's apparently hiding somewhere… again. Once, I found it in the laundry room, in a basket, under towels.
How does that happen? I have stated the fact I am not the mom with the perfect house or any real organization skills to speak of but one thing I have worked diligently to establish in this house is "The book bags go on a hook if you aren't doing your homework!" This way we ALWAYS know where they are! I have had the kids repeat this to me many times when I might have the occasion to run into a book bag in an inappropriate location...they don't get there by themselves....they don't walk or jump or decide for themselves where to "hang out". Somebody is responsible for them and nobody needs to bother anyone else's. We have the" take care of your own stuff" policy in our house....of course I am lax on socks and other articles of clothing that undoubtedly end up in front of the TV, but as a mom that kind of just comes with the territory.
But, today Elle is at school without her book bag.
In the car I was on my usual rant about taking responsibility for yourself and your stuff, how Mama can't think for 7 people, how I have enough to do without having to keep up with Elle’s book bag, blah, blah, blah....
I'm sure it was somewhere around then that Elle floated out the window. A beautiful thing about having ADD; you can just check out whenever you want (and unfortunately sometimes when you DON'T WANT) to a place where the "bluebirds fly" (gee, no wonder I identified with Dorothy as a child!) I could see her in the rear view mirror. She was sitting right behind me smiling. I was a taken off guard a little...."Young lady do you hear me talking to you?!" She continued to smile and replied, without even hearing my question (or anything else I had been saying)
"Mom, do I get ice cream money?"
It's Friday, ice cream day at school. I usually give the girls their two quarters on the way and try to muster up a positive comment of some sort to end their week. I replied "Yes Elle, you get your ice cream money...It was at that point I knew she would face the natural consequences for not having her book bag. I didn't need to keep on reminding her that she had messed up. The world is plenty good at telling us we don't measure up, aren't good enough, won't ever amount to anything...that is NOT my job! I asked her if she remembered what grace was all about...she did. She told me, "Grace is when you get something good even though you don't deserve it." I have to remember that myself. I am so much slower to dish it out than gather it in.
So, once again a teachable moment was shared, and I learned the lesson.
God doesn’t fuss at us when we forget where we put something. It is not his nature to condemn us at all. His grace is sufficient.
And his ice cream money is always there jingling in his pocket.
I am so far from delivered from sin…it is my choice I know, but I sin everyday. If not with my MOUTH then with my mind. But, one prayer I believe God is continually answering for me is giving me love for others. I’m not saying I don’t get offended, or angry but he is helping me see people through more compassionate eyes. I think if he really did let me see people through his eyes my heart would break. There is so much pain. I know he wants to comfort us but we are like little children with splinter covered fingers who rather than let him gently lift them out, we turn away and yell “NO, this is my splinter!!! I will work it out or I will let it stay and get infected! I don’t trust you!” We see that the splinters need to come out but want them removed on our terms.
I believe sometimes we are reluctant to ask God to help us because we have strayed so far away from him. While it’s true he has not left US, we get the feeling he is up there in Heaven brooding over all our mess ups. I believe it’s more like this. Trouble comes to us all. God is there. Why not ask for help. It’s not like he’s making a deal with us. We can’t really say “Just help me out here Lord and I promise I’ll never ____again (you fill in the blank). I know many people have done this but I believe when we slip up and go back to the ___we mentioned it is US who pull away from God again.
I have finally learned the truth about my effort and his rewards.
I can’t do anything to deserve his love.
I can’t do anything to make him love me more.
I can’t do anything to make him love me less.
I am certain most people do not understand this concept.
You can say, “But, I was raised to believe God loves the people who go to church, give to missionaries and read their Bibles!” OK, let’s assume that is true. If God only pours his love out on the church going, missionary supporting, Bible thumpers we should all be striving to be JUST LIKE THEM!!! Because, hot dog they must be the most happy, blessed, healthy and wealthy people on the planet….and so few of them are! Instead, I often see church pew warmers who reluctantly write those tithe checks (and often want everyone to know how much they are for) and can quote all the scripture about the sins they don’t struggle with as the most unhappy, shallow people around. Seriously, show me one rule keeper and I’ll show you someone who probably does not understand what they are trying to get other people to participate in.
Here’s the real deal.
Jesus is the answer.
He is the epitome of God’s grace.
Let me give you an analogy (not original)
There was once a mother with two children. The first child was sweet and easy going and never gave her a minute of trouble. She did anything she could to please her mother out of the purest of hearts. She grew up kind and well liked by everyone. The second child was just the opposite! She was defiant and difficult from birth she bit and screamed and never shut up. There were time the mother wanted to just put her down and walk out of the house and sometimes she had to hand her over and do just that, but, the mother loved the hard to please child just as much as the easy to please one and one day, one very fine day, the second child came to herself. She started smiling. When she did everyone around her smiled too. She became pleasant and easy to please like her sister and the mother rejoiced…as did all the neighbors!
See, those two babies were both the mother’s children. She had to discipline them differently, she had to sometimes treat them differently but she loved them both the same amount.
I picture God looking at us with his infinite wisdom…he knows who is going to try every last thing before they come to him. He knows who is going to be compliant her whole life. He loves us all and really wants us all to love him too. He is surely disappointed with some of our choices but he is not surprised. I believe he holds out hope that sometimes he’ll be wrong about some of us and we will turn to him. I don’t say this out of any kind of disrespect of lack of faith, I know he is not going to be wrong but I have to believe he wants us all. The word does say…”For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” Without getting into theology I can’t explain just let me say that to me “whosoever” means any of us who will.
We have to learn to accept grace. It is a gift. It’s kind of like accepting a compliment you know you don’t deserve. We can’t earn it and it’s hard to understand. It flies in the face of every human thought.
God understands us…he has not left us…he loves us and has big ideas for all our lives.
We are obligated to extend it to others.
Yes, we have an obligation to extend grace…to others.
I have never been so badly hurt by anyone I could not forgive. I sympathize with people who have lost children to tragedy or evil. I don’t know what that feels like and I pray God’s mercy to not let me know first hand. I understand those people feeling let down by God. But, if we could see from God’s vantage point it might be easier.
I have a friend whose young son died after years of health problems. She has grieved endlessly for over a year. She has not become angry at God because she knows she will see her son again someday. He was a wonderful example of God’s glory. He loved people and made no apologies as to who his savior was. My friend knows things could have been different if her son had been a rebellious teenager who argued with her and then went out and died in a car accident. The grief would be unbearable. As it is, she is still hurting but has the promise that her son’s short life was lived with purpose. Some of us get eighteen years, some of us get a hundred. How we use them is important. Accepting and giving out grace is a concept we have to learn. God gives us grace. We extend it to the next person.
This little story is an example-
This morning we left for school without Elle’s book bag. We looked for it for a few minutes but it's apparently hiding somewhere… again. Once, I found it in the laundry room, in a basket, under towels.
How does that happen? I have stated the fact I am not the mom with the perfect house or any real organization skills to speak of but one thing I have worked diligently to establish in this house is "The book bags go on a hook if you aren't doing your homework!" This way we ALWAYS know where they are! I have had the kids repeat this to me many times when I might have the occasion to run into a book bag in an inappropriate location...they don't get there by themselves....they don't walk or jump or decide for themselves where to "hang out". Somebody is responsible for them and nobody needs to bother anyone else's. We have the" take care of your own stuff" policy in our house....of course I am lax on socks and other articles of clothing that undoubtedly end up in front of the TV, but as a mom that kind of just comes with the territory.
But, today Elle is at school without her book bag.
In the car I was on my usual rant about taking responsibility for yourself and your stuff, how Mama can't think for 7 people, how I have enough to do without having to keep up with Elle’s book bag, blah, blah, blah....
I'm sure it was somewhere around then that Elle floated out the window. A beautiful thing about having ADD; you can just check out whenever you want (and unfortunately sometimes when you DON'T WANT) to a place where the "bluebirds fly" (gee, no wonder I identified with Dorothy as a child!) I could see her in the rear view mirror. She was sitting right behind me smiling. I was a taken off guard a little...."Young lady do you hear me talking to you?!" She continued to smile and replied, without even hearing my question (or anything else I had been saying)
"Mom, do I get ice cream money?"
It's Friday, ice cream day at school. I usually give the girls their two quarters on the way and try to muster up a positive comment of some sort to end their week. I replied "Yes Elle, you get your ice cream money...It was at that point I knew she would face the natural consequences for not having her book bag. I didn't need to keep on reminding her that she had messed up. The world is plenty good at telling us we don't measure up, aren't good enough, won't ever amount to anything...that is NOT my job! I asked her if she remembered what grace was all about...she did. She told me, "Grace is when you get something good even though you don't deserve it." I have to remember that myself. I am so much slower to dish it out than gather it in.
So, once again a teachable moment was shared, and I learned the lesson.
God doesn’t fuss at us when we forget where we put something. It is not his nature to condemn us at all. His grace is sufficient.
And his ice cream money is always there jingling in his pocket.
My Style
I asked my children to describe my writing style. Perhaps I should have asked some total strangers who maybe stumbled across something by me on my blog or a friend’s Facebook page, my reactions were interesting, I guess. One said he didn’t realize I had a style, being sixteen and the subject of my little stories quite often, he is in denial that I write at all. Another one was pretending to be asleep so he didn’t have to give an opinion but he likes the written word and even with my blunders I think he approves of my work. The little ones who can read the paper love to see my picture but rarely get what I’m talking about, yeah, I know that’s hard to imagine. The best answer I got was “Well, you are not as funny as… maybe a stand up comedian, but you’re better than the obituaries.” I suppose I should be flattered and offer my honest respect for whoever it is who actually writes the obituaries but I thought about it for a few minutes and decided neither of those options are what I’m shooting for.
I make no claims as a writer’s writer. My stories are for readers who like the truth with a chuckle thrown in here and there. I am entertainment, on a good day; a nudge in the right direction, hopefully. I feel like I write to my friends whether I’ve met you yet or not. I am nothing special and I know it.
Sometimes funny things happen, sometimes I have to just laugh to keep from crying. I imagine the view of my life from above is a kaleidoscope of crazy, crazy colors, crazy people, and crazy events at an incredibly insane speed. I often tell young mothers who are struggling with day to day life with kids, work, school or whatever it is stretching them to their limits that it goes by in a blink. It is almost the truth.
Last weekend, I sat in my oldest daughter’s home in Virginia listening to her talk with her younger sister while we all watched THEIR children playing in the floor. For a second I had to remind myself who I was and what was happening. My grandchildren were crawling on the rug and taking toys from one another. It was surreal. I told them so. I can’t believe they are grown and have children of their own.
Last Christmas we had one little granddaughter. This year we have three grandchildren. If we continue to grow at this rate I will have to rent a circus tent to do Thanksgiving. The huge dining room of the famous Biltmore House in Asheville, NC has a table that seats 64. My second daughter saw it in a magazine and pointed it out to me. That’s what I’m picturing by the time all mine have families of their own. I hope I get a novel cranked out by then. I’ll need a best seller to feed them all.
I suppose it doesn’t matter what my writing style is, what matters, at least to me is being real, and getting it all down on paper because when I blink for the last time someone will have to write my obituary. I hope whoever it is will have something interesting to say and…
I hope it’s just a little bit funny.
I make no claims as a writer’s writer. My stories are for readers who like the truth with a chuckle thrown in here and there. I am entertainment, on a good day; a nudge in the right direction, hopefully. I feel like I write to my friends whether I’ve met you yet or not. I am nothing special and I know it.
Sometimes funny things happen, sometimes I have to just laugh to keep from crying. I imagine the view of my life from above is a kaleidoscope of crazy, crazy colors, crazy people, and crazy events at an incredibly insane speed. I often tell young mothers who are struggling with day to day life with kids, work, school or whatever it is stretching them to their limits that it goes by in a blink. It is almost the truth.
Last weekend, I sat in my oldest daughter’s home in Virginia listening to her talk with her younger sister while we all watched THEIR children playing in the floor. For a second I had to remind myself who I was and what was happening. My grandchildren were crawling on the rug and taking toys from one another. It was surreal. I told them so. I can’t believe they are grown and have children of their own.
Last Christmas we had one little granddaughter. This year we have three grandchildren. If we continue to grow at this rate I will have to rent a circus tent to do Thanksgiving. The huge dining room of the famous Biltmore House in Asheville, NC has a table that seats 64. My second daughter saw it in a magazine and pointed it out to me. That’s what I’m picturing by the time all mine have families of their own. I hope I get a novel cranked out by then. I’ll need a best seller to feed them all.
I suppose it doesn’t matter what my writing style is, what matters, at least to me is being real, and getting it all down on paper because when I blink for the last time someone will have to write my obituary. I hope whoever it is will have something interesting to say and…
I hope it’s just a little bit funny.
Treehouse
With the coming of fall I have a new fascination with the great outdoors, particularly the treehouse we have in our wonderful play yard.
In case anyone doesn't know how the treehouse came to live with us, here's the Reader's Digest version.
We were new foster parents, with young children. We didn't have a swing or slide or anything like that for little kids to play on. We voiced a need to our church, people came...cleared the area, cut down trees. I got a message from Joe Simpkins; builder extrodinare that he was willing to help. I drew a "rough sketch" and gave it to Joe. He had his crew work on the structures for days....built beyond our wildest dreams, another friend gave us money for supplies and swings and a slide. My cousin contributed sod, Joe came back and built a fence and tahdah!!! We have a great play yard and right in the middle over the creek is the treehouse. By design it's just a deck...way up in the air, with a tree growing through it. It is perfect and beautiful and a place I can still climb to (in my advanced age). Today I sat up here and talked to friends on Facebook...yep, not only can I see the world as I know it go by but I also have the world wide web at my fingertips. Life is pretty good right now.
I'm thinking about installing a pulley with a basket so I can bring things up without having to hold on to them as I climb...no need to tempt my clumsiness. If I had free time I think this place would become my office...I think I could finish my novel up here. No use complaining though, I have the same amount of hours in a day as the next person, just have to learn to make better use of it...I'm thinking a nap would be great about now.
In case anyone doesn't know how the treehouse came to live with us, here's the Reader's Digest version.
We were new foster parents, with young children. We didn't have a swing or slide or anything like that for little kids to play on. We voiced a need to our church, people came...cleared the area, cut down trees. I got a message from Joe Simpkins; builder extrodinare that he was willing to help. I drew a "rough sketch" and gave it to Joe. He had his crew work on the structures for days....built beyond our wildest dreams, another friend gave us money for supplies and swings and a slide. My cousin contributed sod, Joe came back and built a fence and tahdah!!! We have a great play yard and right in the middle over the creek is the treehouse. By design it's just a deck...way up in the air, with a tree growing through it. It is perfect and beautiful and a place I can still climb to (in my advanced age). Today I sat up here and talked to friends on Facebook...yep, not only can I see the world as I know it go by but I also have the world wide web at my fingertips. Life is pretty good right now.
I'm thinking about installing a pulley with a basket so I can bring things up without having to hold on to them as I climb...no need to tempt my clumsiness. If I had free time I think this place would become my office...I think I could finish my novel up here. No use complaining though, I have the same amount of hours in a day as the next person, just have to learn to make better use of it...I'm thinking a nap would be great about now.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Ah, October 3rd and the weather is wonderful. I am sitting in a chair in the yard. My hands are kinda cold. It is a blessing to have just a tiny relief from the heat of this summer. I have mentioned before how I love fall. I am not a Halloween fan but I do love pumpkins and apples and dressing up. Last year Felicity announced that she was going to be a cupcake for Halloween. As any mom of such a cutie pie would do I got to work...I started Googling cupcake costumes and before I knew it was buying polar fleece and felt. I found some foam that was in a strip that looked a good bit like the cup part if the cupcake...it was even the right color! I attached the pink polar fleece and cut out flannel "sprinkles". I had to work with some ribbon to make suspenders to hold the cupcake to the kid but when all was adjusted it worked pretty well. I couldn't find any pictures of it although I'm sure we took some. We still have the costume if any little tike friends want to go as a cupcake this year. Lissy refused to let me chunk it.
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