Living with it

I was sleeping so soundly this morning. I was dreaming about being at a cousin's wedding, eating shrimp and baked potatoes, watching children run around, the bride and her sister challenging everyone else to a game of basketball...crazy I know. Then the alarm went off and reality bit me. That's kind of what it feels like, I'm surprised I wasn't dreaming that a shark had me by the leg. I have never experienced this kind of pain. I don't want to remember it but I do want to feel compassion for others in pain. I feel crazy from the meds and yet the meds don't get rid of it. If I don't take anything I feel like pulling my hair out. I can't function with meds or without. This is truly like walking through the valley of the shadow of death. They still don't know for sure what is causing the pain. There is a spot on the MRI. It could be a disc out of place, a facet cyst or "something to be biopsied". I don't like to even say the last choice out loud. It is a terror I don't want to consider, but it is there in the back of my mind all the time. I'm sure my ememy wants me to give in to dispair and believe I am dying. I really don't believe that. The reality is...I am in intense pain. It has to go away. Maybe tomorrow. There is a surgery scheduled, I am praying for relief.