Some days my life is easy and fun and nothing at all goes wrong but many more days are long and hard and scary. I haven't a clue what I'm doing here, I jokingly say it's "how I roll" or "I just fly by the seat of my pants" but the truth is if I didn't have absolute belief that God is working it all out for my good and His glory I'd have a hard time breathing. It's not the marriage or the kids or the job or the endless responsibilities that go with these things that cause me to doubt myself or my abilities, it's the face in the mirror that keeps telling me I'm too old, or too slow, not educated enough or not gifted enough. I doubt myself because of my SELF. I so identify with the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz, it is not that I don't have courage really, I just have never had to stand up and use it. I would rather stand quivering and twist my tail in my hands jabbering about what I do or do not believe in than to face the day confident that the God who holds the universe together has got my little problems handled. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.
Before Christmas my Suburban outran it's transmission. It was not a good time for this but instead of waiting for it to get fixed I drove a car that had an expired tag and was not insured (I REALLY thought our shop insurance covered it but it did not). I was pulled over by a sweet young policeman who no more believed my sob story than I believe in the tooth fairy (don't tell my younger kids I don't believe in the tooth fairy but for the record she has been slacking at our house lately) I was ticketed and told that I could appear before the judge and plead my case yada yada yada...fact is I didn't really have a case. After investigating the fines for my crimes I discovered I had to appear before the judge...in that, it was not an option. This rattled me. I don't really know why but I didn't want to have to explain why I had been driving an uninsured, expired tagged car.
I stewed in this knowledge for several days. I talked to my attorney, joked about going to jail, dreaded having to go to traffic court but ended up going by myself. But, I was not unarmed! My friend Kim called me and talked ninety-to-nothing about what I needed to to. "Go in there, fall on the mercy of the court and know that whatever the judge says will be what you have to accept". She also did as we often do for each other, she prayed, over the phone out loud...and pretty much asked the Lord to not let me say or do something stupid. I really love her. She so "gets" me. She was still talking like the girly machine gun she is when I pulled into a parking space and told her I HAD to get off the phone and go in because I was late and I was sure they'd add more fines for that!! I found the entrance and took my place in a very long line. I wasn't even sure I was in the right place but I asked a few people and was told everyone had to stand in this line first.
I observed the line shuffling along. Some people would talk to the lady behind the glass then leave the building, others here and there would take their tickets and exit to the right into THE COURTROOM. I saw several rows of chairs with a few people sitting, arms crossed looking very determined that they had a good reason for whatever it was they did. I started hearing the questions the lady behind the glass was asking. "Do you plead guilty or non-guilty?" the individual would answer and proceed from there. I caught on that the people who were pleading not-guilty were the smug looking ones in the courtroom. I knew I had no leg to stand on so when it was my turn to plead I said...."Uh,um,guilty" in fact I think I said "Uh, um I'M guilty!". I was so relieved not to have to go before the judge! When the lady asked how I wanted to pay the fine I asked her how much I needed to pay, she said however much I could. I was confused, she was confused then I asked her how much the fine was...she told me $311. I finally breathed again. I had thought it would be worse. Three hundred dollars is a lot of money for me but I had been told it would be more. I handed the lady my debit card told her to take it all at one time and I left feeling that I had somehow avoided prison.
I learned my lesson. I won't be driving anymore cars with no tag or insurance. I also learned that when I've done wrong even if grace is extended I will have consequences. I've been watching a pink netbook that I can write my stories on and skipe with my sweet baby Aidie. It will have to wait a few weeks. I am thankful to have a part-time job that I love so working for it won't be hard.
I also learned that although I may identify with the Lion, I have the ruby slippers. They are my family, my friends and all the things I love about my life and anytime I forget I can click my heals together and be right back where I'm suppose to be. Life is good, God is faithful and this action packed ride is pretty fun.
So, I'm gonna tell the Lion in the mirror that I am not afraid, I'm gonna dig that courage medal out of my pocket and wear it.
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